Narcissistic fathers create unique emotional damage in their daughters, and the relationship between a father with narcissistic personality disorder and his daughters is often much different than the relationship between the narcissistic father and his sons. On the surface, it may even seem as though the daughter has an easier time with the narcissistic father than the son would. However, the results of narcissistic fathers can be just as damaging and traumatic for the daughter. Understanding the patterns of a spouse with narcissistic personality disorder can help you anticipate what your daughter may experience and how to protect her.
It’s a Cruel World
Research literature is beginning to show a positive correlation between a rigid adherence to traditional gender norms and narcissism, along with a whole host of other psychiatric conditions. Men suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to believe that women and girls need men to protect them from the harsh realities of life. This belief will generally impact the way a father with NPD treats his daughters. Fathers with NPD may “take it easy” on their daughters when it comes to expectations, reasoning that they cannot expect a female child to perform at the same level as a male child. This may seem benign on the surface, but daughters of narcissistic fathers often grow up to feel as though they are incapable of handling life, or as though the world is a frightening place where they cannot succeed without a man.
Idealization
Narcissistic fathers with narcissistic personality disorder often idealize their daughters. This means that the father will focus on the qualities and interests of the daughter that he is the proudest of. On the other hand, fathers with NPD may tend to ignore the qualities and traits of their daughters that they do not like. For example, imagine a father with NPD who is very proud of his daughter’s ability to play piano. This man may boast that his daughter has perfect pitch or has won awards for her ability to play piano. When it comes to the daughter’s interests that the father does not share, the father may ignore them, or belittle them. You can imagine this father rolling his eyes: “Yes, my daughter loves tennis. What a stupid sport anyway.” Many fathers with NPD amplify the traits in the daughter that they find desirable. The men often take responsibility for such traits: “My daughter plays piano very well; she sure does take after me.” If the father does not like the trait, he may attribute it to his wife, or another influence in the daughter’s life: “My daughter has the worst taste in music; she probably got it from her mother.” This can cause the girl to grow into a woman who believes that nobody will love her for who she is, because her father never loved her for who she was; he only loved her for what she did for him.
An Insecurely Attached Child
Neither mothers with NPD nor narcissistic fathers are particularly good at raising a child with a secure attachment. A secure attachment is necessary for children to learn something called emotional self-regulation. Many parents with NPD struggle to model this for their children. Emotional self-regulation is the ability to feel emotions, express them, and cope with them. However, children of a parent (or parents) who have NPD can become stunted if they learn that they are not allowed to express certain emotions. After all, you cannot teach your child how to cope with and feel a large range of emotions if you yourself have certain emotions that are forbidden. Common examples of this include, “boys don’t cry” and “expressing anger is not very ladylike.” Children who are raised to learn that certain emotions are off-limits grow into adults who do not know when they are feeling those emotions, nor do they understand how to process them, or express them. This dynamic also overlaps with what experts call coercive control, which Utah courts increasingly recognize in custody and protective order decisions.
Male Relationships
Having a father who has narcissistic personality disorder may cause the daughter to seek out other men with narcissistic personality disorder. Not only does it feel familiar to have a male figure with narcissistic personality disorder, but it may even be comforting for these women to date a man with narcissistic personality disorder. Women who were raised by narcissistic fathers may feel inherently safer with a man who acts like their father, even though this familiarity is not the same as actually being safe. It is not uncommon for women to see their fathers as an example of what a man should be, and if a woman was raised by a man who thinks that women are inherently incompetent and ill-equipped to handle reality, then she may gravitate toward men who treat her like she is incompetent and unable to face the world.
What You Can Do
If you have a daughter and you are co-parenting with a narcissistic spouse, you can make a difference in your daughter’s life by showing her love and acceptance for who she is. Though her father will likely be an influence in her life, you can make sure she has other male role models to be examples. You may also benefit from learning strategies for surviving a divorce from a narcissist, which can help you set boundaries that protect both you and your daughter.
Protecting your daughter often means protecting yourself first. If you are weighing whether to end the relationship, understanding the Utah divorce process and how Utah courts handle child custody can help you set boundaries that shield both you and your daughter from a high-conflict parent.
Frequently asked questions
Can a narcissistic father lose custody in Utah?
Not for being difficult alone. Utah courts decide custody on the best interest of the child, so a parent’s behavior matters when it harms or endangers the child, not as a personality judgment.
How do courts handle a high-conflict parent?
Through detailed parenting plans and, where needed, structured or supervised parent-time focused on protecting the child.
Can I protect my daughter from her father’s behavior?
Yes, through custody and parent-time arrangements tailored to your situation. An attorney can explain the options.
