What Does "I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You" Mean?

These words can hurt to hear, and a lot of people say them when they’re asking for a divorce or ending a relationship. While we don’t know exactly what’s going on in every person’s mind, there are common themes that people refer to when they say that they love their spouse but are no longer in love with your spouse.

Asking Your Spouse

So, what does your spouse mean when s/he said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” ? Well, unfortunately, only your spouse can really know the answer to that. And even if they do know, they may not be honest with you. In some cases, your spouse might not even know what they mean when they say that. However, it’s also possible that your spouse knew exactly what they meant and are willing to be honest with you about it. So your best bet is to ask your spouse what exactly they meant, and any other questions you can think of to help you understand the situation. While there’s no way to know exactly why your spouse said that, there are common complaints within a marriage that could lead a person to feel as though they love their spouse but aren’t in love with their spouse.

“But I Didn’t Do Anything!”

All right, they married me so the chase is over: no more fancy dinners, date nights, going out, etc. I don’t have to do any of that because we’re married now and so I can just relax, right? Not necessarily. Marriages need constant maintenance to thrive. When it comes to maintaining a marriage, it’s a lot of little things that add up in the long run. Though you may not have to pursue your husband/wife in the same way you pursued him or her while you were dating, that doesn’t mean that you don’t need to put any effort into staying close to your spouse. If you are not doing things to intentionally get close to your spouse, you could be drifting apart.

Outsourcing Executive Functioning Skills

While this is normally a problem that men have, women can absolutely be guilty of this too. Executive functioning skills are, in general, the skills a person needs to plan, organize, and manage certain tasks. Traditionally, this happens with tasks related to managing the household: “I want a spouse who’s going to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, manage the finances, organize the family’s social activities, manage our marriage, and tend to the children—oh and s/he needs to work a full time job too.” This is often referred to as the mental load, and it’s easy to see how it falls on the women the majority of the time—but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any men out there who aren’t being over-burdened with the mental load. It might look the same, or it might look a little different, but it does happen to men too. Expecting your spouse to shoulder the mental load of a relationship can cause them to feel exhausted and mentally fried and taken for granted. The lack of support may make them feel alone in the marriage, and as if they’re the only one keeping it afloat.

Are You a Workaholic?

There are a lot of people who find their work to be a source of satisfaction, and they take pride in their work, and bringing home a nice paycheck. Unfortunately for these people, being a workaholic does not generally predict a happy marriage—in fact, quite the opposite tends to happen. Jobs that require you to travel frequently and/or work odd and unpredictable hours may cause lasting damage to your marriage. This is particularly true with jobs that require their employees to be “on call” at all times. This can make your spouse feel like they’re growing apart from you, or as if they’re feeling disconnected from you. In some cases, it may be necessary to even get a different job in order to save the marriage.

Look, I’m Not Your Mom

Being a mom is sometimes a thankless job, especially if you’re a stay at home mom (or dad). A lot of people—both men and women—get caught into a cycle where they begin treating their spouse like their mom. Dirty dish? Just put it in the sink, the husband (or wife) will clean it. Oh cooking dinner? No, that’s my wife’s job (or husband’s job). If you’re married, and you live together, maintaining the house is the responsibility of both parties. Regardless of who is doing what chores, it’s important that both parties are showing appreciation and gratitude for the chores their spouse does. While one party may naturally take on more chores than the other, problems are bound to occur when the other party starts acting like they’re entitled to be picked up after.