Emily Chambers for CoilLaw

Helping children cope with divorce is one of the most important things a parent can do during a separation. You may not think your divorce is affecting your child all that much (“MY child is resilient!”), but children are amazingly perceptive about their parents and their behaviors. They may put on a happy face while secretly worrying about their parents’ issues if they are allowed to hear and see too much during a divorce. According to the American Psychological Association, how parents behave during and after divorce has a significant impact on children’s long-term emotional well-being.

It is natural for parents to want to blow off steam about their ex in front of their child, but think about it: if your child grows up learning to distrust their mother or father, or think about them in terms such as loser, deadbeat, cheater, crook, or liar, how will they end up thinking about other people and relationships? Children deserve to think the best of both their parents and to see them in a loving, positive light, regardless of what is going on between you and your ex.

Here Are 5 Tips of What Not to Do to Your Child During Divorce

1. Don’t use your child as a delivery service between you and your ex-spouse.

You should be the adult communicator. Don’t make your child be the one to ask the other parent about money, forms, or other documents pertaining to the divorce between you and your ex.

2. Don’t use your child as a friend or counselor during your divorce.

You need adults to help you emotionally through a divorce and your child needs to be a child. Find a peer, therapist, support group, or adult family member for you to talk to about the divorce and your emotional needs, and let your kids be kids. This is one of the most direct ways of helping children cope with divorce.

3. Don’t speak about your ex in negative ways in front of your child.

This might be one of the hardest things to do, but it may have a drastic long-term effect on your child. Studies have shown that when parents speak poorly of each other in front of their children, the children begin to internalize those views and apply them to their own self-image.

4. Don’t ask your child to pick sides or to keep secrets from the other parent.

Children should not be put in the middle of adult conflict. Don’t tell your child not to share things with the other parent or make them feel like they have to choose. Children are capable of being able to love both parents in divorce and should be allowed to do just that.

5. Don’t use your child to “punish” your ex.

If you restrict your child’s parent time with their other parent because you are annoyed at something your ex did, it also punishes the child, not to mention that it could get you in legal trouble if you are in contempt of a court order by doing so. You need to separate the spouse relationship (and your relationship with him or her) from the parental relationship they have with your child.

Think About Hiring a Utah Divorce Attorney

Shield Children From the Conflict

The single most protective thing you can do for your children during a divorce is to keep them out of the conflict. That means not arguing in front of them, not speaking badly about their other parent, and not asking them to carry messages or take sides. Children fare best when both homes feel safe and they are free to love both parents.

Keep Their World Steady

Divorce upends a child’s sense of stability, so consistency helps enormously. Try to keep routines, rules, and expectations as steady as possible across both households. Reassure your children, in age-appropriate terms, that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. Predictability is deeply comforting to a child in an uncertain time.

Watch For Signs They Are Struggling

Children do not always say when they are hurting. Watch for changes in sleep, mood, school performance, or behavior, and check in gently and often. Let them know their feelings are normal and welcome. If a child seems to be struggling more than expected, a counselor or therapist can give them tools and a safe place to process.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

Children take their cues from you, so caring for your own wellbeing protects them as well. Lean on support, and let an attorney carry the legal weight so you have more to give your kids. A child custody attorney can help you build a parenting arrangement that puts your children first. Contact our team for guidance.

Help Children Adjust to Two Homes

Moving between two households is one of the biggest adjustments children face in a divorce. You can ease it by keeping a few familiar items in both homes, using a shared calendar so they always know where they will be, and speaking positively about time spent with the other parent. Avoid grilling them about the other household or making them feel they need to choose. The goal is for both homes to feel like home. When transitions are calm and predictable, children settle into the new normal far more quickly and carry less anxiety between visits.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I protect my kids emotionally during divorce?

Keep them out of conflict, maintain steady routines, reassure them it is not their fault, and watch for signs they are struggling.

Should my child see a therapist during the divorce?

If your child seems to be struggling, a counselor can offer support and coping tools. It is a healthy, common step.

Navigating Provo divorce and family matters and how to keep your children removed from it can be complicated. You need to ensure you consult with a competent family law attorney that understands both the struggles of adults and children during a divorce. At CoilLaw, LLC, Salt Lake City divorce attorney Jill Coil knows how to advise you during a divorce to help you achieve the best settlement and result possible. At CoilLaw we are ready and available to help you through your legal action. If you need legal advice concerning a Utah family law issue, call Jill Coil at CoilLaw, LLC at (801) 884-3775 today.