Constantly Taking Your Ex to Court Can Traumatize Your Child

After the Divorce Is Finalized

Just because the divorce is finalized doesn’t mean that you will never have to go to court ever again. Often times, when a couple has children together, the couple will have disagreements that arise, and those disagreements may need to be dealt with in court if the couple cannot reach an agreement by themselves or their decree does not address the specific situation. Parents ought to think long and hard about whether or not the specific issue is really a hill worth dying on as constant trips to court can traumatize the children even if the children are not directly involved in the proceedings. Co-parenting is difficult, but it’s in the children’s best interests to have two parents who have a harmonious relationship with each other. Cooperation and willingness to let go are often key parts of co-parenting without adding unnecessary stress on the child, as children can often pick up on cues that signal there’s a strain in the co-parenting relationship.

How Children Are Traumatized

As previously mentioned, children often perceive far more than we give them credit for. Children can be perceptive to even the smallest changes in their parents’ tone, behavior, demeanor, and more. If you have animosity toward your ex, your child very well may be able to pick up on that even if you haven’t said anything outwardly hateful in front of your child. When there’s a high level of conflict, parents are more likely to talk about it and children often find out more than they’d need to know. It can also make children feel like they need to choose sides, which can cause additional trauma. Constant trips to the courthouse are generally an indication that a couple is struggling to co-parent in a harmonious fashion. Often times, this is caused by both parents, though there certainly have been cases where one parent is the sole cause of the disruption within the family. Regardless of who started what, it is important for you as a parent to evaluate your behavior and ensure that you are not inadvertently contributing to the breakdown of the co-parenting relationship.

Is This Really the Hill You Want to Die On?

People who have gone through divorce may not have completely healed from the divorce. However, the divorce is already over, so the hurting party can’t hurt their now ex in the ways that they could when the couple was together. This can cause a person to look for other ways to hurt their ex. For example, the hurting party may use the children whenever possible to drag their ex back to court. The hurting party may have petty complaints such as, “My ex had a beer in front of the children,” “The children don’t follow rules at my ex’s,” “My ex is consistently ten minutes late to drop the children off,” etc. If you have an ex who’s willing to drag you court over petty things, it may be worth it to consider whether or not it’s really a hill you want to die on because every trip to court can cause stress, trauma, and emotional damage to the child. In some cases, it may be best to not have the beer in front of the kids, enforce your ex’s media policies, and accept the late drop off time—assuming your ex isn’t massively late every time.

When There’s a Legitimate Concern

There may be times when there is a legitimate concern. For example, if you have an ex who isn’t enforcing any boundaries or rules, and that’s causing the child to get into legal or academic trouble, it may actually be in your child’s best interests to go to court if the issue is not able to be resolved. Courts can be slow to act, so if you see something that is concerning, it may be a good idea to contact your attorney as soon as possible for advice on how to resolve the situation. In many cases, parents are more likely to be successful with getting the courts to act if they have substantial evidence to support their claims. If you notice something problematic at your ex’s house, it may be a good idea to document everything with as much detail as possible. Meeting with your attorney may also be a good idea as they can provide you with advice that’s tailored to your specific circumstances.

Damaging Your Future Relationship

As your child grows up, they may realize that one parent was constantly causing problems with the co-parenting relationship. Because problems in the co-parenting relationship can add unnecessary stress and trauma for the children involved, adult children may grow up to resent the parent who was constantly causing problems during the divorce process and after. If you are constantly taking your ex to court over petty disagreements, it could have a negative impact on your child’s life.