“My spouse is cheating, but won’t admit it.” It’s something nobody wants to be searching on Google. However, it’s important to remember that you have the option to rebuild the marriage if that’s what you want to do.
Do You Really Know?
The first thing you ought to ask yourself in this situation is whether you really know they’re cheating. The bar for this is high: have you seen undeniable evidence that your spouse is 100% having an affair? Undeniable evidence meaning pictures, texts, emails, and walking in on your spouse and their paramour. Texts between your spouse and their co-working shouldn’t be counted as “undeniable proof of an affair” if the texts are limited to discussing work or Monday Night Football. Highly suspicious behavior is not the same as undeniable evidence. You cannot be 100% certain that your spouse is having an affair just because they’re on their phone a lot or they’re acting weird.
Are You Going to Stay or Are You Going to Leave?
If you aren’t 100% certain that your spouse is cheating—and most people are not 100% certain—you’re going to have to ask yourself: if they are cheating, am I going to leave? If the answer is yes, are you confident enough in your opinion of your spouse’s unfaithfulness that you’re willing to leave? Most people aren’t—and that’s very fair. I mean, would you really risk ending a marriage if you’re only 85% sure that your spouse is cheating? On the other hand, many cheating spouses don’t want to admit that they’re cheating because they don’t want to end the marriage. They may feel like their spouse is telling them, “Admit that you were unfaithful so that I can feel good about my decision to end the marriage.” Of course, there are people who may decide that they want to attempt to repair the relationship even if their spouse is cheating. In those cases, the wayward spouse’s admission is still vital—after all, you can’t begin to repair the marriage if you and your spouse haven’t admitted to all the problems and taken accountability.
Therapy No Matter What
If you are struggling to trust your spouse, it may be a good idea to attend counselling sessions with a licensed mental health professional. This may be especially helpful if you’re considering ending the marriage, but you need your spouse to admit to cheating before you end the marriage. Therapy may also be helpful if you think your spouse is cheating, but you want to stay and work on the marriage. Whether your spouse also attends these therapy sessions will depend on your situation. You may want to ask a mental health professional’s opinion on whether couple’s counselling would benefit you, or if individual counselling is the better option. Even if you’re 100% done with the marriage, you should consider attending counselling sessions for yourself—especially if your spouse cheated. Infidelity is often traumatic, and it will likely be beneficial to have a therapist help you work through the trauma that the infidelity has caused. You will need to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and who’s able to help. Not all therapists are compatible with all clients, so don’t be afraid to shop around until you find a therapist who’s the right fit for you.
Don’t Snoop
You should not snoop through your spouse’s things in order to discover whether or not they’re having an affair. In some states and situations, snooping through your spouse’s online accounts, phone, and electronic devices is illegal. This is true even if you’re the sole-provider and your money purchased the electronic devices. This is true even if you’re on their phone plan or pay their phone bill. This is still true even if you know their password or they’ve left their account logged in. The bottom line is that if people are truly determined to get away with cheating, they will, and no amount of snooping through their belongings is going to yield evidence, assuming they’ve put enough effort into not getting caught.
Only You Can Know What’s Right
Only you can really decide what’s best for you and your family. While many people have rebuilt their marriages after an affair, that will not work for everyone. Some couples may struggle to rebuild their marriages after an affair, and the trauma may be too much for the betrayed spouse to be able to trust the unfaithful spouse again. Regardless of what you choose, attending therapy sessions may be a good place to start exploring your options and working through the issues that have caused you to mistrust your spouse.
When You’re Considering Divorce
If you’ve decided to leave your marriage, CoilLaw is here for you. Contact us to set up your initial consultation with one of the best divorce attorneys Utah has to offer.
