"I Want You to Want to Do the Dishes!"

Who Wants to Do Dishes?

“I want you to want to do the dishes!” is a famous line from a 2006 movie, The Break-Up. You can find the five minute clip on YouTube by searching, “I want you to want to do the dishes.” If you’ve not seen the scene, Brooke asks her boyfriend Gary to help her with the dishes. Gary is busy playing video games and tells her that he’ll help her with the dishes later. After back-and-forth snapping, Gary declares that he’ll do the dishes. But Brooke isn’t satisfied with that and says that she wants him to want to do the dishes. To which Gary responds, “Who wants to do the dishes?” However, in this scene, it’s not about actually wanting to do dishes. It’s about wanting to help your significant other out. Brooke doesn’t want Gary to literally want to do the dishes; she wants him to be eager to help her with getting the dishes done so that she can relax.

“How Many Times Do I Have to Drop Hints about the Ballet?”

In the span of 4 minutes and 45 seconds, Brooke and Gary manage to argue about a lot of different things. Brooke brings up the fact that she’s always wanted Gary to take her to the ballet, but he never has because he doesn’t enjoy ballet. Yet Brooke brings up the fact that she went to see a college football game with him because, even though she didn’t like it, she wanted to do something to make him happy. In happy relationships, we do things that we don’t want to do because we know it would make our partner happy. We do chores for them, watch movies and tv shows that we don’t like, we go to restaurants we can’t stand, and go to social gatherings we don’t want to show up at. If you’re in a good relationship, both parties are probably doing this. However, relationships become unbalanced when one party isn’t actively doing anything just for the sake of their spouse.

Showing up for Your Partner

Doing favors for your partner just for the sake of showing them that you love them and care about them goes a long way. It’s also important that you’re listening and paying enough attention to them to understand how you can show up for them. In the fight scene, Gary complains that she doesn’t appreciate how he shows up for her. According to Gary, he works very hard so that Brooke, one day, won’t have to work. While it’s certainly a nice gesture, Brooke responds by exclaiming that she likes working. This highlights something important: Brooke doesn’t need what Gary’s offering (him to provide for her), and Gary refuses to give Brooke what she needs to feel emotionally safe and considered (to be eager to do things just for her). This is where things come to a halt: Gary can either choose to begin providing Brooke with what she needs from him (meaning he’d do things for the sake of helping her and making her happy) or he can find someone else who’s looking for what he’s willing to provide (essentially, an income—one day, of course).

There’s Always Someone Else Who Will

There’s always someone else who’d be willing to give your spouse the things you don’t give them. This isn’t to say that you need to be your spouse’s 100% perfect match; no spouse is perfect, and the grass isn’t always greener. Nor is it to say that cheating is okay if you’re not meeting your spouse’s needs. However, if you’re consistently neglecting your spouse’s needs after they’ve repeatedly told you that their needs aren’t being met, then your spouse will have to either figure out how to cope with having unmet needs or leave the marriage. When it comes to more frivolous matters—such as needing a spouse to age like a vampire or wanting a super outgoing spouse—a lot of people find that they’re able to adjust their expectations if they married an introvert or a mortal. But when it comes to more serious things, like emotional safety and security, a lot of people find that it’s a struggle to stay.

When Is It Time for Couple’s Therapy?

One of the largest issues in this scene is that Brooke seems to struggle to communicate her feelings to Gary, who is, in fairness, stubbornly obstinate and probably willfully misunderstanding what she’s saying. It may be that effective communication could have made all the difference in this situation. If you and your spouse are struggling to communicate, going to therapy may be an option. Many couples have been able to save their marriages by attending sessions with a licensed mental health professional. While some marriages aren’t able to be saved, many marriages can be saved with counselling.