Divorcing a narcissist is one of the hardest legal and emotional experiences you can go through. One of the most common complaints we hear from our clients going through a divorce is “my ex is a narcissist.” Many people may have some behaviors that are on the narcissistic spectrum that is heightened when going through a divorce, causing unnecessary conflict. Character traits of a narcissist may include a need to be right, a need for admiration, lack of morals, a tremendous need for control, lack of emotional intelligence, and more. Narcissists come in many different shades, but one thing is for sure: the only thing harder than being married to a narcissist is divorcing a narcissist. Many of these behaviors overlap with what researchers describe as coercive control, which Utah courts increasingly recognize in custody and protective order decisions.
What Is a Malignant Divorce?
Dr. Mark Banschick explains in his article on Malignant Divorce that narcissism is one of the character traps as they are “completely self-serving and selfish.” This means they dismiss any of your needs or years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. There is no sense of balance or fairness during a “Malignant Divorce.” This can be very draining and frustrating, but there are ways to handle this kind of conflict and protect yourself and your children from the chaos.
Set Firm Boundaries
How long the divorce process drags on and how big the conflict depends on how you respond to his or her undesired behavior. Showing sympathy, weakness, and fear will only feed a narcissist’s ego and fuel this cycle of behavior. In order to protect yourself and your children when divorcing a narcissist, it is vital that you do not show any weakness or buy into anything he or she says to you.
When trying to protect yourself in this situation you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them, regardless of their reaction to the loss of control. Oftentimes narcissists are charismatic and manipulative, making it easy to give in to what they want, but this will only make things worse for you in the long run. When asserting these boundaries you need to do so in a conflict-free manner, which may only be possible via email or with lawyers and mediators present. Conversing over email will also be helpful in documenting their irrational behavior to prove your case in court. If his or her behavior is abusive and he or she will not respect your boundaries, this may be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, and you may need to seek additional protection through the court.
Stay Grounded in Reality
A narcissist lives in a fantasy world where they believe they are more important, smarter, and better than you, so make sure to grip onto reality when they are using their tactics to pull you into their egotistical fantasy. The healthier you are emotionally, the better you will be able to recognize the narcissist’s unacceptable behavior and evaluate your own role in the ongoing conflict. During these trying times, a good emotional support system will make all the difference. A trusted circle can offer emotional comfort and a more objective opinion on the situation. Many narcissist spouses also use money as a weapon, so be alert to signs of financial abuse as part of the broader pattern.
Lean on Your Team
Divorce is hard enough as is, and a difficult ex can make it feel almost impossible to compromise. Divorcing a narcissist requires patience, structure, and the right legal team. If you stand your ground, put on a brave face, and lean on friends and family during these tough times, it will get better for you and your family. If you need further emotional or legal counsel do not hesitate to call CoilLaw at (801) 884-3775.
