#1 Finances
You and your spouse should discuss your finances in-depth before the wedding. Not only should you decide whether you’re going to have combined vs separate finances, you should also know your spouse’s money management style and your spouse’s financial goals. It’s great if you and your spouse both have the same money management style. However, if you’ve got opposing styles, you’ll need to figure out how to manage this before the wedding. Talking about money can be difficult, especially before you’re married, however this is not something you want to fight about, because it’s one of the biggest causes of marital conflict.
#2 Expectations for Physical Intimacy
Before you and your spouse get married, you need to be on the same page regarding expectations of physical intimacy. This includes frequency, contraceptive methods, family planning, and any needs you and your spouse have. It’s unlikely that two people will be a 100% match when it comes to physical intimacy. You and your spouse will need to have a plan for how you’ll work out any differences you have.
#3 Children
You and your spouse should be on the same page about whether or not to have children. If you want children, do not marry someone who doesn’t, hoping they’ll change their mind. While some people do change their minds, others don’t. You should also be on the same page about whether you’ll have a small family or a large family. There’s probably not much of a difference between someone who wants three kids and someone who wants two kids—but it’s going to be a larger problem if you want one kid and your partner wants eight kids.
#4 Religion
Ideally, you and your spouse will have the same religious beliefs. This is less of a concern with different denominations of Christianity. For example, if you’re Baptist and your spouse is a WELS Lutheran, you’re more likely to work out a compromise than the devout Catholic and her atheist husband. If you and your spouse do differ religiously, you will need to determine which church you’re going to before you have kids. If you’re going to go to separate churches, there will need to be an agreement on which church the kids will attend.
#5 Parenting Styles
You and your spouse can take a parenting style quiz to see how similar you are. If you and your spouse have totally different parenting styles, it may be a good idea to get on the same page by taking a parenting class. Generally, authoritarian parenting is considered to be the preferred parenting style. Having one parent who’s a total pushover and another who’s extremely strict, can cause confusion for the children and add tension to the marriage.
#6 Chores
You and your spouse should be on the same page about who’s doing which chores, and how often those chores are going to be done. If you’re a person who expects the bathrooms to be cleaned once per week, and your spouse is happy if they’re never cleaned, there may be resentment if you’re always the one cleaning up while your spouse doesn’t do anything. If you were raised to believe the wife should do all the chores, and your wife also works a full-time job, you may be in for a very rude wake-up call.
#7 Childcare Responsibilities
Before the first baby is born, you and your spouse need to get on the same page about who is doing what for the baby/children. If you and your spouse both work full-time, and you both plan to continue working full-time, you’ll need to discuss who will be responsible for what. Having children can be very difficult, especially when they’re newborns and require so much care. Unrealistic expectations are the breeding ground for resentment—so make sure you have many conversations about who’s doing what before you start trying to get pregnant.
#8 Mental Health Concerns
If you have a mental health diagnosis, you need to share this with your fiancé. If your future spouse tells you that they have a mental health diagnosis, you need to look into how this could potentially affect your marriage, and how you and your spouse will work together to overcome any issues that could be caused by a mental health concern.
#9 Life Goals
You and your spouse should be compatible when it comes to what you want out of life. If it is your ambition to travel the world for the next ten years and live nomadically (i.e. location independent), and your spouse dreams of having a large family and settling down immediately, there is bound to be conflict: someone is going to have to give something up. When you’re choosing a companion for the rest of your life, it’s important that they want the same things out of life as you do.
#10 Dream House
Perhaps least importantly, you’ll need to know what your spouse’s dream house looks like. While mohagany floors vs carpet isn’t going to cause you to get a divorce (at least we hope not), it may be difficult for a couple to reach an agreement if one person wants to live in NYC and the other person dreams of living in the middle of nowhere and homesteading. Make sure you and your future spouse are on the same page regarding what you want in a permanent residence.
When You’re Considering Divorce
If you’re considering divorce, CoilLaw is here for you. Contact us today to set up your initial consultation.
