How to Explain Absent Parents to Children
If your child’s other parent is not involved in your child’s life, your child may have questions about who their parent is, or why they aren’t able to be there for your child. While you may be tempted to tell them everything, particularly young children may not be able to understand everything all at once. Depending on your circumstances, you may have more luck concentrating on what your child is able to understand and how you can help them cope with the absence of their other parent. In some cases, a licensed mental health professional may be necessary to help your child.
Only Tell Them What They Can Understand
Your child will probably start asking about an absent parent at a pretty young age—maybe even at ages as young as three or four years old. While you’ll want to answer them honestly, you’ll want to answer them in a way that they can actually understand. A three-year-old likely isn’t going to be able to comprehend the difficulties of having a child at a young age and being unable to take care of the child and then having to leave. Generally speaking, a child will accept something as simple as, “Daddy can’t be here right now because he lives too far away.”
Don’t Speak Poorly of Your Ex
There can be serious ramifications of speaking poorly of your ex. Not only can you damage your relationship with your child, but you may also damage your child’s relationship with their other parent. If this happens, your child may grow up to resent the parent who alienated them from the other parent. Also, it’s not unheard of that voluntarily absent parents do someday come back and ask for custody. If you are telling your children something that negatively affects their view of their other parent, you may eventually wind up having less custody. Of course, voluntarily absent parents don’t generally get custody right away. However, if they go through reunification therapy and end up getting custody, there could be consequences for things you’ve said to the child.
Gradually Tell Them as They Age
Your children will have more questions as they age—after all, your sixteen-year-old will probably not be willing to accept, “Mommy can’t be here right now because she lives far away.” The older your child is, the more likely it is that they’ll be able to understand the circumstances surrounding their parents’ situation. There are some situations where finding out the whole truth may be traumatic for the child. For example, if their parent is serving multiple life sentences for a heinous crime, it may be a good idea to speak to a therapist about strategies for disclosing this to your child. Depending on how your child reacts to the information, you may consider whether or not your child might need therapy too.
Don’t Speak Too Highly of Your Ex
While you need to make sure that you’re not alienating your child from your ex, or badmouthing your ex in front of the child, you may want to make sure that you’re not creating unrealistic expectations for your child—especially as they get older. It’s possible to stick to the facts without verbally tearing your ex apart and without painting a false picture of who they are and why they’re not around. For example, if your ex is voluntarily absent simply because they have other priorities in life, it may not be a good idea to present your ex as a person who really wanted to be there but just couldn’t due to life circumstances. If you know your ex had no interest in being involved in your kid’s life, you may want to consider not mentioning whether or not your ex wanted to be involved.
Make Sure They Understand That It Wasn’t Their Fault
Make sure that your child understands that they are not to blame for the end of your relationship with your ex. Children have a tendency to overestimate their ability to impact their environment and those around them. It is not uncommon for children to believe that they have done something to cause their parents to divorce or separate. Some children go through life without ever really knowing one of their biological parents. In some cases, this doesn’t cause any profound issues. In other cases, there might be a decidedly negative influence on the child’s future. If you believe that your child is struggling with their other parent’s voluntary absence, you may want to consider getting the child in therapy. If you are currently battling custody issues, CoilLaw is here for you. Contact us today to get started on your initial consultation.
