What Is It?
Fear of abandonment is exactly what it sounds like: it’s the fear of being abandoned. This can happen in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in friendships. It generally stems from the fundamental belief that people, if they really knew the real you, would reject you and leave you. For many people, this began in childhood when their parents rejected them for who they were as children. It could also happen when parents aren’t there to emotionally support their children, when parents leave their children, or when parents criticize and reject their children. However, abandonment issues may also develop later in life, due to failed romantic relationships, sudden loss, or any number of things.
Why Are People Afraid of Abandonment?
Does it make sense to be afraid of being abandoned? Well, evolutionary psychologists sure seem to think so. If you’ve had a baby, you probably know just how dependent babies are on their adult caregivers—after all, if all adults abandoned their babies, the baby would quite literally die. Humans evolved to fear things that were dangerous: most people don’t like spiders, or snakes, or other animal predators for this reason. The same is true with abandonment, babies and children can develop abandonment fears as a sort of protection. Basically, the child has picked up on cues that their parent is rejecting them and, psychologically speaking, the child knows that belonging means survival—even if they only know this instinctively and not subconsciously. Therefore, the child feels the need to adapt their behavior in order to belong and avoid abandonment. Problems can occur if these fears are carried into adulthood.
What Does It Look Like?
People who have abandonment fears may do all sorts of things in order to prevent being abandoned. In fact, they may do things just for the sake of belonging. People who have abandonment issues generally want to be part of the group. They may pretend to like things that they don’t really like. This may mean pretending to enjoy books and movies that they’re not really interested in. It could even mean pretending to have seen movies or television shows that they’ve never watched. People who have abandonment issues may also obsessively look for partners who show signs of being the type to abandon them. Because these people have a heightened fear of abandonment, and they never really learned how to cope with abandonment, they may feel as though they have to be on the lookout for signs that a person will leave because they know that they don’t know how to deal with a person leaving.
Time for a Test…
People with abandonment issues often build up walls to protect themselves—after all, if nobody ever knows the real you, nobody can hurt you. Building up walls may also serve another purpose: the people who really care will work to tear down those walls—right? Well, maybe not—but more on that later. People with abandonment issues typically go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned. This could mean rigorously evaluating their potential partners for signs that they’ll leave. People with abandonment issues may push someone away, only to see if they’ll come back. If the person doesn’t come back, the person with abandonment issues concludes that the person didn’t really care in the first place.
See? They Will Leave!
People who are stable and healthy don’t have problems being vulnerable in a romantic relationship, and they generally want the same thing from their partners. A person who’s given a lot in a relationship but is constantly met with another person’s walls may decide to leave. The healthy person may decide that tearing down walls and constantly proving that they care isn’t fulfilling. The tragic part of this is that people who are afraid of abandonment often make themselves targets for being abandoned. By pushing others away, they may be pushing away good partners who are looking for genuine connection. These good partners know that they can find someone else who is more willing to connect, and they may leave to seek out one of those partners instead of staying with someone who refuses to connect. Tragically, a self-fulfilling prophecy is created.
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