Five Types of Emotionally Abusive Behavior in Parents
Overindulgence
Most people don’t think of overindulgence as abusive behavior. After all, the kid’s getting exactly what they want, it can’t be that bad, right? However, consistent overindulgence is rarely without other problems. When a parent is consistently overindulging a child, the overindulgence has precious little to do with the child. Instead, it’s generally about the parents. Some parents overindulge their child because it makes them (the parent) feel good. Sometimes parents may know that they have inadequacies and spoiling their children helps them feel better about their inadequacies. In other cases, parents may not want to deal with a temper-tantrum, so they give in—which doesn’t teach the child how to regulate their emotions. Children who are frequently overindulged may struggle to regulate their emotions, set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, and provide for themselves. In some cases, consistent overindulgence can be used to befriend the child if the parents are particularly concerned about being liked by the children.
Enmeshment
Parents who are enmeshed with their children tend to be overinvolved in their child’s lives. They may feel threatened by the child’s independence and emotionally depend on the child. These parents are the types who attempt to live vicariously through the child. While many parents have hopes and dreams for their child—after all, most parents want their children to have fulfilling careers and loving families of their own—enmeshed parents take this to a new level. Enmeshed parents tend to expect their child to follow their (the parent’s) dreams, pursue their interests, and have the same likes and dislikes. If this comes at the cost of the child’s own dreams, then so be it. This can result in children who are consumed by their parent’s dreams and trapped.
Codependence
Parents who rely on their children to regulate their emotions can also cause a delay in the child’s emotional development. Codependent parents are similar to enmeshed parents in that they depend on their child emotionally. However, enmeshed parents are more focused on consuming their child’s identity and living their lives through their children. Parents who are codependent tend to lean on the children emotionally to the point where the child feels exhausted by catering to the codependent parent’s needs. While enmeshed parents want their children to build their lives around the enmeshed parent’s dreams, codependent parents would prefer that the child’s goal is to care for the parent and their emotional needs.
Fear-Based Parenting
Threats can also be a form of emotional abuse. For example, if you tell your child that a serial killer will come get them if they don’t behave, that could be considered to be emotional abuse. Using fear as a way to control your child can harm their emotional development. They may be too scared to explore interests, especially interests that their parents don’t approve of, take any sort of risks, or make decisions for themselves. Parents who use fear-based parenting often have an excessive need to control their children, which frequently stems from a fear of abandonment. Ironically, these children tend to rebel when they get older and, as soon as they’re able, they may leave the home and never look back. Using fear-based parenting in order to keep your child from abandoning you may actually cause them to abandon you.
Controlling Parents
Children need to make mistakes in order to learn and be prepared for “the real world.” However, they can’t do that if they have a parent who’s constantly hovering over them and preventing them from making any mistake whatsoever. Parents do need to offer some supervision and guidance, as there are mistakes of which children simply aren’t mature enough to handle the consequences. For example, parents probably shouldn’t let their children skip school whenever they want. On the other hand, letting your teenager suffer the consequences of staying up too late or allowing your child to get the answer wrong on their homework assignment is good for them. Parents who hover too closely run the risk of stifling their child’s independence making it difficult for the child to live without the parent’s guidance—which they will eventually need to be able to do.
When You’re Struggling with Divorce
Divorce can bring out the worst in parents. That’s why it’s important to take mental health seriously. While our team of attorneys can help guide you through the divorce process and fight for your rights, a lawyer isn’t the only person who you should be hiring during the divorce process. Attending counseling sessions with a qualified mental health professional is generally recommended during the divorce process—no matter who you are. Being able to cope with the trauma of your divorce and regulate your own emotions can help prevent you from falling into the parenting pitfalls that can result in harmful and dysfunctional family dynamics.
