Subtle Signs of Narcissism You Might Miss

Subtle signs of narcissism that the average person could easily miss in the beginning of a relationship.

They’re Willing to Take Advantage

People who have narcissistic traits are often willing to take advantage of others when the opportunity presents itself. Usually, people want to reciprocate when someone does something nice for them. For example, if your friend takes you out for dinner and picks up the check, you might want to get the check next time, or maybe make them dinner at your place. This isn’t a transaction; rather they’ve done something nice for you, so you want to do something nice for them to show them that you appreciate them too. Watch out for people who are always willing to accept favor after favor but never offer anything in return. This doesn’t mean that you need to keep score or nickel and dime people. But a person who’s got no problem taking without giving anything in return should be a red flag. The fact that they are not intrinsically motivated to return the favor in any way should be a warning sign.

They’re Stingy

There’s a difference between being stingy and being frugal. A cheap person may be one to buy the off brand, but if your significant other is constantly reluctant to spend any money on you or your relationship when they’re more than happy to spoil themselves, that should be a red flag as well. Not everyone has a high-paying job, and that’s okay. But if your significant other constantly refuses to spend money on you but is willing to spend lavishly on things for themselves, that should be a red flag. The aforementioned is especially true if they expect you to spend money on them or buy them things. Most people don’t have the same incomes in a relationship, and that’s okay. Each person paying 50% isn’t realistic for most couples. However, both parties should contribute on the level that they can.

You Embarrass Them in Superficial Ways

Most normal people would be pretty embarrassed if their partner got roaring drunk in public and made a scene. However, within reason, your partner shouldn’t be getting embarrassed by you over petty and inconsequential things. Your significant other shouldn’t be embarrassed by the way you’re dressed, weight loss or weight gain, or any other part of your physical appearance. Your hobbies and your job shouldn’t embarrass your partner either. People who have narcissistic traits often need their partners to reflect their perceived success in life. Therefore, a person with narcissistic traits may feel embarrassed by a partner who isn’t wearing flattering clothes or doesn’t have a successful job. A person who’s narcissistic may feel as though their partner and associates are extensions of themselves. Therefore, a person with narcissistic traits can only associate with the most beautiful and successful people possible. Anything less would be an embarrassment to them.

Entitlement Rooted in Traditional Gender Norms

Chauvinism is generally a pretty good predictor of someone who isn’t ready for a relationship—in fact, many people who have diagnosable NPD tend to be chauvinists and, yes, woman can be chauvinists too. Look out for entitled attitudes rooted in traditional gender norms: “You should always pay because you’re the man.” Another common one is, “You need to cook and clean because that’s the woman’s job.” In a lot of relationships, traditional gender roles play out naturally—and this isn’t a bad thing if both parties are okay with it and are performing these acts of service out of kindness. Sometimes the woman really does cook just because she likes to do the cooking. But watch out for people who think that they’re entitled to certain favors just because of their gender.

Their Experiences Are More Valid than Yours

Keep an eye out for people who believe that their experiences and opinions are more valid than yours. This world view can show itself in a variety of ways. A person who believes that their way of seeing things is inherently better than yours may try to “prove” why your feelings are wrong or irrational. They may attempt to explain why you shouldn’t be upset in the first place or dismiss your feelings as hysterical. They may also act like their intentions are more important than the way their actions make you feel. For example, I know it makes you feel taken for granted when I leave my clothes on the floor, but I don’t mean anything by it so you shouldn’t be upset about it. Lastly, look out for people who regularly put your opinions down. Your significant other doesn’t have to like everything you like, but they should respect your opinions and your right to have them.