How Abandonment Wounds Affect Your Marriage

If you have suffered an abandonment wound, those wounds may have spilled over into your marriage.

What Is an Abandonment Wound?

An abandonment wound is usually a colloquial way to refer to the trauma that’s created by the real or perceived act of abandonment. People with abandonment wounds have generally been abandoned by someone in the past. This experience was so painful, that the person who was wounded—or traumatized—goes to great lengths to prevent future abandonment. An abandonment wound can be created when a child is very young. For example, their parents may not have been around much and expected the child to raise herself (or himself), or one parent may have left the child’s life permanently and unexpectedly. This type of treatment can traumatize a child since most children do not have the cognitive capacity to cope with such trauma. Adults may also experience abandonment wounds, especially when romantic relationships end abruptly and unexpectedly. These wounds can not only affect a marriage, but they can also make it difficult to find a partner who’s marriage-material.

People Pleasers

Some people who have abandonment wounds attempt to prevent further abandonment by becoming a people-pleaser. These people routinely put others’ needs above their own. When it comes to relationships, they often find themselves in the role of the giver. A lot of people pleasers will appear to be easy-going and relaxed. They may seem like they don’t have a lot of needs or opinions, and they may not make a big deal when someone does something that upsets them. Many people pleasers have a difficult time asserting their wants and needs in a relationship and they also have a difficult time setting boundaries. Because of this, many people pleasers end up resenting their partners and feeling dissatisfied in their relationships because they’re constantly putting aside their needs to avoid abandonment.

Attracting Narcissists

People with narcissistic traits, or narcissistic personality disorder, still have needs just like people who don’t have narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder. Oftentimes, people who are mature and emotionally stable cannot maintain attraction to people with narcissistic traits. This is because, when you’re in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic tendencies, you often have to push aside your own needs in order to meet their needs. Narcissists are generally attracted to people who have low standards and difficulty asserting boundaries or standing up for themselves. Due to biological and social constructs, women generally tend to be less assertive than men, leaving people-pleasing women particularly vulnerable to narcissistic men. Many times, these narcissists praise people-pleasers for being “low-maintenance” or “cool.” But what they’re really praising is the people pleaser’s inability to assert their needs and boundaries.

Building up Walls

On the flip side, people with abandonment wounds can also refuse to get close to another person. This is often done to protect the person with abandonment wounds from the pain of potential abandonment. Many of these people go into relationships expecting the other person to leave or abandon them. Therefore, they build up walls so if the person does leave, the breakup will not be as painful. People with abandonment issues like to push others away when they feel their partner getting too close. This mainly serves two purposes: first, it gives the person with abandonment issues a sense of control in the relationship. Second, the distance acts as a “test.” When the person with abandonment issues pushes someone away, they may want the person they pushed away to fight for the relationship. Emotionally mature people are generally repelled by this behavior, and typically end up leaving because not only do they not want to put up with it, they know that they don’t have to put up with it. Thus, it confirms the person’s theory that everyone they love will eventually leave them.

Attracting Clingy Partners

People who put up walls due to their abandonment wounds tend to attract partners who are clingy. Usually, people become clingy because of their own emotional trauma. Many “clingy” people have been in relationships where they were forced to survive off of whatever scraps of love, security, and attention they could find. So when they meet a partner who doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate, they feel right at home in that relationship. A lot of people with avoidant attachment styles end up with partners who have become needy or clingy through trauma. This is because a clingy partner is much more likely to fight for the relationship—even when they’ve been treated badly—thus reassuring the avoidant partner that they’re loved and wanted. Emotionally mature people, on the other hand, will typically leave.