A Friendship the Child Isn’t Emotionally Equipped to Handle
Children are not emotionally equipped to be a parent’s best friend. A friendship involves a mutual give and take; both parties invest equally into the relationship. When your best friend is a child, the child is emotionally incapable of investing as much into the relationship as you are—and this is true even for older children and adult children. In the parent-child relationship, parents have a duty to look out for their children and protect their children. The same is not true for friendships: you are not responsible for ensuring that your friends get out of bed on time and brush their teeth every day. In order to feel safe, children need to believe that their parent is in charge and in control at all times. However, when parents elevate the child to the level of “best friend,” the child no longer sees the parent as in control.
The Inability to Set Boundaries
Parents who elevate their child to the position of best friend eventually lose the ability to set boundaries and enforce rules. This is because the children no longer see the parent as an authority figure since the parent has elevated the child to the level of friend. It’s not uncommon for these types of parents to want to be liked by their child—especially since they see the child as a friend. Parents who are very preoccupied with being liked by their child may have an even more difficult time establishing rules and boundaries because they’re so desperate to be liked by their child that they don’t want to do anything (like enforcing a rule) that could cause the child to dislike them. Children are often much more perceptive than we give them credit for. In many parent-child relationships, the child can sense they have leverage over a parent and will use that to their advantage.
A Lack of Safety
Parents who make their children into a best friend often give their child a sense of responsibility that is more than the child can handle. In order to feel safe and secure, children generally need to feel like their parents are looking out for them and that their parents have their best interests in mind. However, best friends don’t look out for each other in the same way parents do and, understandably, you don’t rely on your best friend to look out for you in the same way you rely on your parent to look out for you. Parents who make their child their best friend may make the child feel as though there’s no one taking care of them or looking out for them. It may feel like there’s no adult at all.
Later Resentment
Children who receive this kind of treatment may, ironically, grow up to resent the parent who treated them as a best-friend. The child may recognize that the parent burdened them with their own emotional needs. Furthermore, the child may grow up to recognize that they needed structure and guidance—something that best friends aren’t typically expected to provide—from their parent. This can further complicate matters if the parent is still dependent upon the child. The child, especially as an adult, may resent that the parent does not provide any guidance and never has. Furthermore, the child may resent that the parent has made them feel obligated to meet the parent’s emotional needs.
Getting Mental Health Care
If you’re struggling to maintain healthy boundaries with your children during the divorce process, you are not alone. Many good and well-meaning parents struggle to cope with the trauma of the divorce process, and they don’t mean to do any harm when they lean on their children for emotional support or make their child their best friend. However just because something may be done without any bad intentions doesn’t mean that it’s okay or that it’s without consequences. If you’re going through the divorce process, working with a mental health professional can help you be the best version of yourself for your children.
When You’re Considering Divorce
If you’re getting divorced, CoilLaw is here for you. We understand that the divorce process can be traumatic and emotionally draining. While working with a licensed therapist can provide a lot of support, you may need another kind of support, such as legal advice. Our attorneys are dedicated to getting the best outcome possible. Contact us today to get started on your initial consultation.
