Five Rules for Mixed Gender Friendships

If you have a partner who has a friend of the opposite gender, you may be wondering whether or not this person could be a threat to your marriage or relationship. Fortunately, it is possible for men and women to be just friends. Unfortunately, that isn’t always what happens. However, if you and your spouse have good boundaries and friends who respect those boundaries, it is possible for mixed gender relationships to exist without causing extra drama.

Your Friends Are My Friends

If you and your spouse have friends of the opposite gender, it’s a good idea to make sure that your friends are also friends with your spouse. This may mean that you do things as a group, or that you go on double dates with your friend’s spouse or partner. There should always be, at the very least, an implied invitation—if your spouse wants to hang out with you and your friend, they should be free to. Good friends will put in effort to at the very least get along with your significant other, especially if you and your significant other are married.

Don’t Keep Friends Who Cause Problems

You should consider ending friendships with people who intentionally cross boundaries—even if your spouse somehow doesn’t have a problem. This might look like a person who starts problems with your spouse by making passive aggressive comments to your spouse, or they could be making mean comments about your spouse to you. A real friend will recognize when a relationship or marriage is making you happy, and they’ll be supportive of the relationship or marriage in general. They won’t encourage you to do things or say things that will damage your relationship with your significant other. Bad friends will allow you to put yourself into situations that could damage your relationship. For example, a group of bad friends might encourage you to go out drinking with the friend group. If someone starts flirting with you at the bar, fake friends aren’t going to step in and prevent you from cheating.

Open Phone Policy

Maintaining an open phone policy can also help promote trust within your relationship, especially if you have friends of the opposite gender that your significant other may feel concerned about. Your spouse should feel free to ask you any questions about your friend and your friendship with them. You should consider your friend to be a friend of you and your spouse in that the way you conduct yourself in that friendship shows that you and your spouse are a united front. 100% honesty and transparency with mixed gender friendships is key. Do not lie to your spouse about your friendship, or any part of your friendship.

If You Have to Hide It…

If you have to lie about it, hide it, or delete evidence, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. If you find yourself lying about your friendship, the activities you do, or anything else related to that friendship, you shouldn’t be doing those things. There may be situations where your friendship genuinely is platonic and doesn’t cross any boundaries, but your partner still isn’t okay with it. In situations like this, you may have a choice to make: do you want the friendship, or do you want your partner? Ideally, you will make this decision before you’re already married. While everyone has to make choices based upon what’s best for them, carrying on a secret friendship—even if it really is just a platonic friendship—behind your spouse’s back is a recipe for disaster because chances are that they will find out.

Boundaries Need to Be Enforced

Boundaries are crucial for mixed gender friendships to succeed. Your friends, regardless of their gender, should never speak disparagingly of your spouse. They may not like everything your spouse does, but they should never speak about your spouse in a disrespectful manner. It is important that you do not allow them to speak of your spouse disrespectfully. Your spouse’s feelings should also be heavily considered when setting these boundaries, if they’re not okay with you hanging out with your opposite-gendered friend, that might be a good boundary to set. A good friend will understand the need for boundaries and respect them. Friends who do respect your boundaries are not likely to respect your marriage nor are they likely to respect your spouse. If your friends are consistently pushing the boundaries, it may be a good idea to reconsider your friends.