Signs Your In-Laws Are too Involved

They Know too Much about Everything

Your in-laws shouldn’t know everything that there is to know about your marriage, especially the more intimate parts of your marriage. Telling your parents about conflicts you and your spouse are having can always be a problem, especially if you’re telling them all the details about your marriage and its shortcomings. The problem is that most marital conflicts don’t last forever—you and your spouse can get through this. However, you don’t want to taint your parents’ view of your spouse forever! When you get married, make sure that you and your spouse are in agreement: the in-laws don’t get to know about your marital fights. If you need to confide in someone, there are good options: friends, therapists—both individual and couples’ therapists, and religious counselors may all be good people to confide in and receive advice from.

They’re Funding Your Lifestyle

Married people need to be extremely careful when accepting money from their parents. Unless you need help funding life-saving medical procedures, you should consider refraining from accepting money (even if it’s just a loan) from your parents or your spouse’s parents. Finances are often used as a way to control people and, unfortunately, many parents use their child’s financial dependence as a means of control: “Well, if you’re not going to do what I want you to do, good luck paying that mortgage!” It should be noted that not all parents who give extravagantly are doing so out of malice; some parents who are particularly well-off may just want to gift their child something nice without any strings attached. While the thought is nice, it can create a feeling of obligation even if that wasn’t at all intended.

They Come First—The Spouse Comes Second

When it comes to a marriage, you should put your spouse first, not your parents. At some point, you’ve got to start living for yourself, not your parents. While your parents’ wishes may align with your own frequently, there will almost certainly be times when your wishes do not align with your parents’ wishes. You need to do what’s best for you, which likely isn’t going to be putting your parents above your spouse—unless, of course, you feel like divorce is in your best interests. Ultimately, if you continue to put your parents’ interests above your spouse’s, your spouse can become resentful and eventually leave if the problems aren’t worked out. Typically, having an over-involved parent stems from a lack of boundaries. You may have signed up to have your boundaries continuously violated by your parents, but your spouse did not. If you’re spouse is putting you first, don’t turn around and put them in second place so that you can put your parents first. And definitely don’t allow your parents to cross your spouse’s boundaries.

They Visit on Their Terms

You don’t just drop in on your friends without an invitation, do you? If you’re particularly close, you may send a text when you’re in the area and see if they’re available for a quick hello—but you certainly don’t just barge in and assume that they’re obligated to entertain you, do you? If you’re like most people, the answer is no. The same should be true with your in-laws and parents. Your parents and your in-laws should not stop by without at the very least calling or texting first. This is especially important if you have just had a baby. Do not force your sleep-deprived spouse to accommodate their in-laws after you’ve welcomed a new baby into the family.

They Don’t Understand the Meaning of “No”

No means no—especially when you’re an adult. If your parents or in-laws can’t hear no without a thesis and dissertation, that’s typically a sign that they’re too involved—or, at the very least, they expect to be too involved. If you cannot do what your parents/in-laws are asking you to do (or, perhaps you simply don’t want to do what they’re asking you to do) you should be able to simply say no without any additional prodding, guilt-tripping, nagging, or demands of an explanation. Pay attention to your spouse’s inability to say no as well. Their inability to say no can mean that you end up doing all sorts of things that you don’t want to do. One last thing: when it comes to accepting large gifts and/or money from parents or in-laws, saying no may become difficult if someone is holding money or gifts over your head (as previously mentioned). This can make boundaries even more confusing.