Telling Kids About Divorce: Tips on Breaking the News
Telling kids about divorce is one of the hardest parts of getting divorced. As discussed in an article published in Psychology Today, it is vitally important to consider the feelings of the kids and act in their best interest, just as the court does when determining child custody. Mishandling this conversation can prove damaging to the well-being of your children, as well as your relationship with them. Some of the tips provided in the article include:
- Be honest. Be truthful with your children when telling them about the divorce, especially when informing older kids. Even if it feels easier to lie or manipulate the truth, it is likely that they will learn the truth at some point anyway. If you lie now, you risk damaging their trust in you later.
- Answer questions. Your children will probably have a lot of questions when they hear the news. Take time to answer their questions to the best of your ability, while still being mindful of what is appropriate to share. Some details are not theirs to carry.
- Carefully choose the place and time. Put time and effort into choosing the right place and time to have this conversation. Try to pick a setting where they will feel safe and comfortable, and avoid times when they will need to immediately go somewhere afterward like school or an activity.
- Don’t place blame. Don’t blame your spouse in your conversations with your children. This type of behavior can make your children feel pressured to choose sides. If a united front is possible, it is the best way of telling kids about divorce.
- Tell all of your children at the same time. If you do not tell all of the children at the same time, you could be placing an incredible burden on one child. It is best to tell them all at the same time if possible. This allows the children to support one another.
- Don’t criticize or prohibit their feelings. Remember that you are giving your child some very difficult news that could lead to a wide range of emotions. Do not make your child feel bad about their feelings. Encourage them to express their emotions openly.
- Seek counseling for the children. Contacting a counselor that specializes in divorce could be monumental in helping your children cope with the effects of a divorce. This gives them a safe space to be able to communicate their feelings and work through any problems.
Telling kids about divorce is an extremely important and sensitive conversation. Put time and thought into it in order to protect your children’s best interest.
Another important aspect of the divorce process is choosing a Salt Lake City divorce lawyer. Contact attorney Jill L. Coil at CoilLaw, LLC for an experienced lawyer who will fight for the wellbeing of your family. Contact us at (801) 884-3775.
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Plan the Conversation Together
Telling your children about a divorce is one of the hardest conversations a parent faces, and a little planning makes it gentler. When possible, both parents should tell the children together, with a calm, unified message. Agree in advance on what you will say so the children hear one consistent story, free of blame. Choose a quiet time when no one has to rush off afterward.
Keep It Age-Appropriate and Reassuring
Match your words to each child’s age. Younger children need simple, concrete reassurance, while teens may want a bit more explanation. Across all ages, three messages matter most:
- This is not your fault.
- Both of us still love you and always will.
- Here is what will stay the same in your life.
You do not need to share adult details or the reasons behind the divorce. Children need security, not the full story.
Expect a Range of Reactions
Children process big news differently. Some cry, some go quiet, some seem indifferent, and some get angry. All of these are normal. Let them know their feelings are welcome, answer their questions honestly and simply, and be ready to revisit the conversation many times as they absorb it. Reassurance is not a one-time event.
Support Them Going Forward
After the initial conversation, keep routines steady, keep conflict away from the children, and watch for signs they are struggling. A counselor can help if a child has a hard time adjusting. If you are working out a parenting arrangement, a child custody attorney can help you build one that centers your children’s wellbeing. Contact our team for guidance.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
It is easy to pour everything into supporting your children and forget that you are grieving as well. Children take their emotional cues from their parents, so caring for your own wellbeing genuinely helps them. Give yourself permission to feel the loss, lean on your own support network, and consider talking with a counselor if you are struggling. A parent who is steady and cared for has far more to give. The calmer and more grounded you can be, the safer your children will feel through the transition. Small daily reassurances, a steady routine, and your own visible calm do more than any single perfect speech. Be patient with yourself, and remember that showing up with love matters far more than getting every word right. If the conversations feel especially hard, your attorney or a family counselor can point you toward resources that help parents and children through divorce.
There is no perfect script for this conversation, only an honest and loving one. Trust that your steady presence, repeated over time, is what your children will remember most.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should both parents tell the kids together?
When possible, yes. A calm, unified message free of blame helps children feel secure and avoids putting them in the middle.
How much should I tell my children about why we are divorcing?
Keep it age-appropriate and spare them adult details. Focus on reassurance: it is not their fault, both parents love them, and what will stay the same.
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Sandy, Utah 84070
Phone: (801) 884-3775
