How to Argue with Your Spouse Without Destroying Your Marriage

Don’t Call Names or Make Character Attacks

Name calling and personal attacks should be considered unacceptable in your marriage. It’s okay to be upset because of something your partner did or said. However, resist the urge to pick them apart as a person. For example, “I feel taken for granted when you leave your stuff around the house after I just cleaned it.” will generally get you better results than, “You’re so inconsiderate! You’re always leaving your crap around the house after I’ve cleaned it.” Because the second statement attacks the other person’s character—rather than a thing the other person is doing—the attacked party is more likely to jump on the defensive and prove to you that they are not inconsiderate. Name-calling is generally only done to hurt a person’s feelings and if you and your spouse regularly try to hurt each other during an argument, it may be a good idea to consider working with a mental health professional.

Make It Okay to Cool Off

Some people need to actively work through a conflict as soon as it happens. Others need some time and space to consider things and cool off before working through the conflict with their spouse. If your spouse needs a break from the argument, let them have a break from the argument. This doesn’t mean they have license to storm off while you’re talking, but it does mean that you let them have a break when they ask for a break. If you’re the person who usually needs the break, make sure you remember that it can be really painful for your partner to just sit on pins and needles waiting to resolve a conflict. That doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to take a break while you calm down and collect yourself. But it does mean that you should be mindful of how your partner is feeling and, once you’ve calmed down, you need to make sure the conflict gets resolved.

Stay on Topic

When conflict happens, it’s important to identify the root of the conflict as soon as you can. Because, after all, the fight’s never about what the fight is about. Let’s say you and your spouse have gotten into a spat about whether or not to buy the Built Bars at Costco. You don’t remember it being such a big deal, but one thing led to another and now you’re fighting. Are you really fighting about whether to buy the Built Bars? Or did the fight start because the wife felt like her husband was being condescending, and her husband felt like his wife was being disrespectful. When you figure out why you’re upset, tell your spouse. “I felt like you were being condescending when you were explaining to me why you wanted to wait to buy the bars.” A good response to this could be, “I could see how you would feel like I was being condescending. That wasn’t my intention, and I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.” Then it’s time to address the other party’s feelings. Make sure both people have had their feelings validated.

Own Up to It

If your spouse is hurt by something you said or did, you need to apologize even if you weren’t acting maliciously. You need to apologize even if you feel like there’s a good reason for doing what you did or saying what you said. And you need to apologize even if you don’t think what you did or said is a big deal. People who have a lot of little fights do so because they haven’t resolved the deeper issues causing the little fights. This may be because they haven’t provided a safe space in which to resolve those deeper issues. If you can’t be vulnerable with your spouse, you cannot have a successful or happy relationship with them because you will never be able to share how wounded you are. You cannot create a safe space if you’re constantly responding to your spouse’s vulnerability by getting defensive and accusing your spouse of making a big deal out of nothing.

Work Together

Spouses need to work together during an argument. Again, the fight isn’t about what the fight is about. Hurt feelings are the core of every argument, and the best remedy for those hurt feelings is validation and an apology from the person you love. Working together means finding a compromise for the actual problem—perhaps you agree to buy the protein bars at Costco as soon as you get paid—and then you both spouses validate each other’s feelings and apologize for their contribution to the hurt feelings. For example, “I can see how you thought I was being condescending, and I’m sorry that I came across that way and hurt your feelings.” Here’s another example: “I’m sorry I rolled my eyes at you when I felt like you were being condescending. That wasn’t appropriate and it was disrespectful.